Since I started using my walking aid, I've only gone to two shows. For a long time, I could pawn that off on not living close enough to any place that people come to play, but at the same time, the ones I did go to weren't in my old town, I had to get driven out to both of them, in totally different cities. Now I've got excuse, I live 15 minutes away from the city. The only thing that's holding me back is fear.
I've never really had a bad experience at a concert, except for the last year I worked at warped tour, but I know that I'm in that group of people that's likely to get hurt or cast back. People my size get hurt by accident, but I can't handle getting knocked around. Before I was sick, I could hold my own but now I can't, and that scares me even in a day-to-day sense. It scares me that I can't lift my arms above shoulder level, of course I'm going to be afraid of being body-checked.
The fact I'm still self conscious about needing a walking aid makes me reluctant to go anywhere. The last thing I want is to get singled out and bubbled off by other people and that feels really likely to happen. What I really want is to get back to feeling like my life is normal. Normal for me at least, whatever that means. When I got my first bunch of piercings and had my ears noticeably stretched, I did get singled out by people who weren't my close friends. Even though I loved the beginning of my mods, it made me uncomfortable with them. My managers at places I worked would haul me around to their friends when they came in and make a a big deal about "look at her hears/nose/lip, when we were kids only farm animals had that, ect, ect"
All I really want is to be happy and comfortable with myself, but its not an effort that just I can make.