Support and back up

 I know I'm getting up to the age where I might want to have children; its a common topic with my parents and the few adults that concern themselves with me.  They always assure me that I'll have their support, but to what extent?
  The idea of someday being able to give birth does excite me but I know it won't be easy for me.  Due to my illnesses, there would be massive potential complications.  My body just not being able to handle the extra effort to support a growing being, or there could be defects from the built up toxicity from medications; I just might not be able to conceive.  To increase the likelihood of a healthy pregnancy I could quit taking most of my  medications, but that's not actually an option.  The chance of me currently or in the next 5 years being able to conceive and carry a child to term is so small that its not even worth counting. Even if I were to get accidentally pregnant, I'd probably have no choice but to abort it.  No aspect of my current situation would make having a child an option; my health is too bad, we don't have enough money and no space to accommodate even a crib.  If I did end up getting pregnant, like so many people seem to want for me, how much would they support me if I had to have an abortion?
  I won't get into all of the little arguments that are pro or anti-choice, but it does seem incredibly heartless to deny that a woman who could die the right to an abortion.  There are no abortions of convenience, or ones done flippantly or carelessly.  Considering that terminating a pregnancy isn't a small decision, it would make sense to have networks to support women considering the procedure, but those efforts are overtaken by the christian, conservative media.  Mothers get alienated and suffer because of pressure from sources they might not even believe in.    
The only way to make sensitive topics easier to deal with is to have open honest dialogue.  Staying quiet just perpetuates more silence, and no issue can be solved by ignoring it.  Abortion is one of the bigger debates shielded by ignorance and denial, but is the most dangerous to be not handled correctly.  Even if some governments aren't willing to allow safe abortions or family planning groups, we owe it to ourselves to make sure we're getting honest information and community support against the anti-choice groups that are willing to put lives on the line over things they have no reason to step into.

HTIC: Stuck From Birth

We don't even get a break when we're children: the media starts imposing things on us from day one.  There is loads of good commentary on this, but I'd recommend the video on Feminist Frequency .  Implanted in us at an early age is the idea that girls need these pretty things and that boys need to make the world for themselves.  Even as preschoolers we have it pushed on us that females are second class and only really there to serve and support men until its time to get married, then its up to the man to pay for everything or else he doesn't really love you.  Fundamentally, the way the corporations infiltrate childrens' minds is violating, but if you're too young to know you're being manipulated, who can stop them?
As we get older, its easier to prey on people with guilt, shame, or proposing their lives will be better if they just do X.  Teenagers get sold how to fit in and look "normal", which is its own giant bag of bullshit.  Girls continue to get the short end of the stick because if they doesn't fit into certain archetypes then they straight up don't exist. Some of the what we get pushed to just accept are certain hygiene standards, being submissive, having to be a certain type of pretty, even how we're supposed to behave sexually is commodified and sold to us.
Once the teenage market starts getting becoming relevant to where you are in life it loses most of the subversive touch, its stops implying that this is how you should act and just presents how you're to be molded as the only option.  Sexual education programs in schools are sponsored by the same companies that sell extra whitening toothpaste, deodorant and leg razors.  After school specials only show girls that fit the desired future consumer mold having a decent life.  Even "alternative" people are regulated, and its handled to only properly be a phase.  At the hands of the media, we're encouraged to hate ourselves, fear our natural bodies, and conform to things that make your life expensive and miserable.  We're even sold an overpriced and disrespectful death at the hand of social norms.
There is one advantage that we do have: as soon as you decide to pull back from the vortex of consumerism, you can start pulling apart all of the damage its done.  Online, there are huge libraries of counter-culture information about how to quit living by the corporate blade and most big cities will have some kind of anarchist group.  It will never be too late to take charge of your own life, and there will never be a better time then the present.

Girls from the back

Since I started using my walking aid, I've only gone to two shows.  For a long time, I could pawn that off on not living close enough to any place that people come to play, but at the same time, the ones I did go to weren't in my old town, I had to get driven out to both of them, in totally different cities. Now I've got excuse, I live 15 minutes away from the city.  The only thing that's holding me back is fear.  
I've never really had a bad experience at a concert, except for the last year I worked at warped tour, but I know that I'm in that group of people that's likely to get hurt or cast back.  People my size get hurt by accident, but I can't handle getting knocked around.  Before I was sick, I could hold my own but now I can't, and that scares me even in a day-to-day sense.  It scares me that I can't lift my arms above shoulder level, of course I'm going to be afraid of being body-checked.  
The fact I'm still self conscious about needing a walking aid makes me reluctant to go anywhere.  The last thing I want is to get singled out and bubbled off by other people and that feels really likely to happen.  What I really want is to get back to feeling like my life is normal. Normal for me at least, whatever that means.  When I got my first bunch of piercings and had my ears noticeably stretched, I did get singled out by people who weren't my close friends.  Even though I loved the beginning of my mods, it made me uncomfortable with them.  My managers at places I worked would haul me around to their friends when they came in and make a a big deal about "look at her hears/nose/lip, when we were kids only farm animals had that, ect, ect"  
All I really want is to be happy and comfortable with myself, but its not an effort that just I can make.